When it’s summer and they’re little, there is zero chance of getting a minute to yourself. They are in the kitchen underfoot, in your closet, in your bed, in your bathroom, clothed or no. My advice to young mothers: don’t bother with a play room. If you’re not in it, they won’t be either.
Empty summer days are exhausting in this phase of life. Likely you will be logging in a lifetime of pool hours with boogery children and babies in droopy swim diapers, elbow to elbow with fellow mothers and dutiful nannies. By the middle of June, the entire pool membership will be intimately familiar with you, your children, and the undercarriage of your entire swimsuit area. They’ve watched you chase toddlers with sunscreen and heave-ho tiny bodies from the shallow end for the better part of six consecutive summers. They’ve unwillingly had a front row seat to every unflattering angle.
But a day is coming for you, mom: a day when all of your babies can swim. LORD, LET THEM SWIM. Now that you’re kids are non-drowners you can actually grab yourself a pool chair! In the SHADE. Do you still have to look around and count heads constantly? YES. Do you still have to remedy at least parents and kids everywhere! Additionally, your kid has been unagreeably forced into hours of swim lessons! They are ready for this and so are you. At this stage, you’re quite close to never having to discuss swim goggles with anyone, ever again. Not the loss of the goggles, not the search for the missing goggles, not the trip to the lost & found to find ANYONE’s goggles because we can’t find ours, no refereeing whose goggles are whose, no adjusting goggle straps. Because you’re POOLSIDE now! The winds of change are blowing and you can feel it from your chaise.
Fast forward just a handful of years and they won’t be caught dead in a pair of goggles and your pool bag is mostly your own. All they want at this stage is to look cool in front of their friends along with unlimited snack bar privileges. And also they’d prefer you were invisible. This is when summers will really return for you! Not only can you just SIT at the pool by yourself while totally in charge of your personal space, the floater scan gets cut almost completely. Non-drowners are a delight!
Shortly after this, they’ll rise to the age where they’re allowed to be DROPPED OFF AT THE POOL. This is about as fun as anything that will ever happen to you. Your kids will slam the car door and saunter in with a towel slung over their shoulder and never look back; YOU will roll down the window, shout out some kind of follow-up reminder (ignored) and then drive away to TARGET or somewhere equally as magical. You will get a Starbucks, meander about the athleisure section, and wait for their pickup call.
You’ll first need to learn how to hold and trigger a giant aerosol spray can in your child-sized hand while simultaneously perching a molten iron on your head with the other. It is absolutely essential that you spray the hair WHILST it is being curled. If you don’t see smoke or hear a crackling sizzle, you have done it wrong. Please DON’T PANIC that this hairstyling process sounds and smells like a forest fire, child of 1986—hair damage and environmental hazards haven’t been invented yet.
Special attention should be placed on the bangs, as you’ll have no choice but to have them and they’ll need to be styled. Start by separating your bangs into a top and bottom section. Start with the top and curl towards the back of the room. As you release the iron, your bangs should be shaped like a tall, horizontal roll of toilet paper. A solid rip curl of petrified hair is what we’re after, and if you’ve followed all of the steps correctly, THAT’S WHAT YOU’VE GOT. Now repeat this process on the bottom half of your bangs, but curl them towards your forehead (insert plastic comb for protection if you’re smart.) Last, you’ll next need a hair pick to tease your head bagel out and separate it EVER SO SLIGHTLY. Now is the time for attention and precision; one false flick of the wrist and you’ll have to start over. The final step is a generous cloud of hairspray. You’ll need to exit the bathroom immediately after this in order to breathe.
As you head to the bus stop, you’ll want to avoid hats of any kind, of course. But if you’re a child being raised in Indiana in 1986 (like I was) that’s easier said than done. The winter in Indiana starts in September and will maybe wrap up sometime in the beginning of June. YES your mom is cool because she allows you to use a grown-up styling tool that could brand cattle. But in an ironic twist, she’ll demand that you wear a winter hat when it’s cold outside.
But FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!! Wear some earmuffs instead! Earmuffs are of course no match for the midwest winter, but if you have to march into second grade with oozing neck blisters and the hands of a glassblower, straighten up your turtleneck and at least get your hair right, girl.
