My first curling iron was an electric pink shade with something like “HOT TOOLS” written on it in an aggressive, Flashdance-type font. I learned to use it over the course of my second grade year. My hot pink fire wand, constantly to the left of my bathroom sink, looked like a child’s toy but certainly was NOT. It took around 7 minutes to get it cranked up to 500 degrees; you knew it was ready when you saw wafts of smoke rising from the barrel. I know what you’re thinking: giving a second grader a curling iron is a bad parenting move. Maybe. But things were different in 1986. Wielding a flesh-burning iron rod was a life skill I needed to learn, and my mom knew it. Big hair was EVERYTHING back then. A white girl with flat, thin hair absolutely needed to master the fine art of sculpting and shellacking her bangs.
Back then a girl had no choice but to embrace hair spray, curling irons, and perm rods. This required a fair amount of trial and error (as evidenced in many, many photos) as well as an immense amount of damage to your hair follicles, skin, and the ozone layer. You want perfect bangs? Your’e going to need the skill of a surgeon and the steady hands of a seasoned blacksmith. You’ll be spending a LOT of time in front of a mirror, and you will learn to set your alarm accordingly.
I wish I could find a second grade photo but this one from 8th grade will do. Why do we look 36? Also, that’s MY sweater she’s wearing on the left, she wanted to wear it for this photo specifically and bribed me into taking a hit for the team and wearing this pink one.
You’ll first need to learn how to hold and trigger a giant aerosol spray can in your child-sized hand while simultaneously perching a molten iron on your head with the other. It is absolutely essential that you spray the hair WHILST it is being curled. If you don’t see smoke or hear a crackling sizzle, you have done it wrong. Please DON’T PANIC that this hairstyling process sounds and smells like a forest fire, child of 1986—hair damage and environmental hazards haven’t been invented yet.
Special attention should be placed on the bangs, as you’ll have no choice but to have them and they’ll need to be styled. Start by separating your bangs into a top and bottom section. Start with the top and curl towards the back of the room. As you release the iron, your bangs should be shaped like a tall, horizontal roll of toilet paper. A solid rip curl of petrified hair is what we’re after, and if you’ve followed all of the steps correctly, THAT’S WHAT YOU’VE GOT. Now repeat this process on the bottom half of your bangs, but curl them towards your forehead (insert plastic comb for protection if you’re smart.) Last, you’ll next need a hair pick to tease your head bagel out and separate it EVER SO SLIGHTLY. Now is the time for attention and precision; one false flick of the wrist and you’ll have to start over. The final step is a generous cloud of hairspray. You’ll need to exit the bathroom immediately after this in order to breathe.
As you head to the bus stop, you’ll want to avoid hats of any kind, of course. But if you’re a child being raised in Indiana in 1986 (like I was) that’s easier said than done. The winter in Indiana starts in September and will maybe wrap up sometime in the beginning of June. YES your mom is cool because she allows you to use a grown-up styling tool that could brand cattle. But in an ironic twist, she’ll demand that you wear a winter hat when it’s cold outside.
But FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!! Wear some earmuffs instead! Earmuffs are of course no match for the midwest winter, but if you have to march into second grade with oozing neck blisters and the hands of a glassblower, straighten up your turtleneck and at least get your hair right, girl.
